• Forgiving Others

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, “how many of you have forgiven their enemies”?

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Smith?” inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

“I don’t have any.” she replied. smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Smith, That is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-three,” she replied.

“Oh Mrs. Smith, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said “I outlived the old hags.”

• Rest In Peace

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”

• Pastor’s Wives Sewing

Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husband’s pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.
      
The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.
     
One woman was mending the seat of her husband’s pants, the other was mending the knees.

• Bragging Boys

Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he then calls it a poem, they give him $50.00.”

 The second boy says, “That’s nothing, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.00.”

 The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

• Poor Sick Little Boy

Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.  ‘Mummy,’ he inquired, ‘can we leave now?’

 ‘No,’ his mother replied, ‘the service isn’t over yet.’

 ‘Well, I think I’m about to throw up.’ Marty announced.

 ‘Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.’ said Doris.

 After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.

 ‘Did you throw up?’ Marty’s Mum asked quietly.

 ‘Yes,’ Marty answered, embarrassed.

 ‘How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?’ Doris demanded.

 ‘I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, “For the Sick” ‘.

• A Backyard Neighbor Funeral

Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbor’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”

 Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”

 “That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said.

 Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!”

• God is Left-Handed